Heartache Tonight..

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

I miss everything about her. All the time.

It just hit me.

Twisty

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

I couldnt think of anything else I dislike more. Tornadoes scare me to death! Ever since watching Twister...which I'm still not totally comfortable watching, even now. And here we are, coming into prime tornado season...Great.  Let's see how many dreams of tornadoes I get this time.

Today is not a deep day.

It's dark, cold and misting outside.

There's a funeral,

For someone i didnt know well, until a few weeks ago.

Life can be short, and that's scary. 

Rest in Peace, Anna. 

Catch a Grenade

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

Oh hey! BT+MT+LT4EVR.

The lovely ladies of the unnamed quartet.  Dr McCandless had NO idea what she was getting herself into when she put us together...and neither did we! I love being around these guys.  Singing "soul" songs on walks from the GBPAC to Russell, theory victories (and upsets..), pep band and much more.  And somehow, we were all only mere feet away from each other during all state. Irony?  These girls are crazy, and I am so lucky to have them in my life. And my quartet :) Asian Drinking Song, anyone?

So here I am... sitting in the middle of Spring break. A week I've been looking forward to since the beginning of the semester. Not because I'm going somewhere warm and getting schwasted like half of the world, but because I wouldn't have something to do every. single. moment. of the day.  

And I get to this week, to my house.

And I'm absolutely bored. 

Don't get me wrong, it's not my family that's boring me. That's not the case at all. Sure my lil Tivo doesn't ever talk to me, and my parents both work all day. But i love being here anyway, and I honestly feel bad leaving them to hang out with friends. Or a boy. 

Not having anything to do....sucks. I haven't even taken Lucy on a walk.. She probably thinks I hate her. 

Oh God...I'm going to play with her all day tomorrow now. 

Anyway! My room has been invaded by a large Elliptical machine (which is now acting as a towel dryer), my stuff is all semi packed for when I leave Thursday, and this new guilt for not having played with my best dog friend is invading my heart.  And all I think of as I sit here is that I'm a terrible person, and a terrible music student. And I would go pick up my clarinet and practice, I would go hang out with Lucy and walk with her, but it's 10:15 at night. 

Maybe I'll go anyway. Who knows.

I've hung out with the people I've always hung out with since I've been here. It's almost like old times. Everyone's telling stories, laughing loud enough in a restaurant to make people give looks, reminiscing on choir, band, awkward children. Except it feels like everyone's holding something back.  Some aspect of their stories, something someone did or said at everyone's respective college. I know I held back. All of us have new people to introduce in stories, new things to explain and new adventures to tell about. It gets strange. Knowing that these people, whose lives you were previously so involved in, are different, have different friends, and are ultimately going separate ways. It happens, right? I don't want it to. But I think it's happening anyway. At least, if not for them, it is between ME and them. And I don't know why. 

I used to be able to tell them everything..Now I don't tell anyone.

Being home is good. I missed my family. I missed my dogs and cats. It still feels normal to me, and it feels like I shouldn't go back to CF. There's a lot of comfort in being here, even when everything and everyone has changed. 

Oh Hey

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Mi madre.  I'm her little clone, according to everyone who knows her that I've ever met, but that's beside the point.  I love my moooom.  She's a nurse, so she's always been super caring and relaxed.  I've rarely seen her yell or get upset, and when she does....it's nothing to be scared of! Being mean is not possible for her, and I love it.  Not because I'm a terrible child and take advantage or anything (at least, I dont think so). I'm pretty lucky to have the set of parents that I have. :) 

Hmm..What to ramble about. Family has been on my mind a lot lately, and I'm not sure exactly why. Probably because I'm about to see them for the first time in almost 3 months...No big deal. And I've done some creeping on various people that have been involved with my family recently as well. Again, I don't know why. For instance, today I looked up one of my sister's exes who was....let's go with less charming than the others. A little sketchy, from the very beginning. At least, that's what my dad says! Anyway, I don't blame Niki for any of it... She's one of those people who can't help but want to take care of people. Break through her seemingly tough shell, and she's very caring. And very strange (in a good way). So my point, as I'm rambling, is that this guy turned out to be completely different than any of us thought, and did nothing but hurt people and twist words. Ending him in jail, and Niki basically restarting her life. It was a lot of pain for my family, but somehow we got through. Sure, my dad gets mad at Niki sometimes still, but I know now that it's absolutely only because he cares. He's a big softy, it just takes some time..  I don't know. I may get some disapproving comments for even posting this vague description of my family's inner drama, but it's something I still haven't completely dealt with, in my mind.  So i guess this is me, trying to work things through.  One thing I'm glad for is that somehow, it brought me and my sister closer.  Good things happen through all the bad things, right?

To make up for my last post being very long, and very rambly, I will end with a list of good things that have happened...

-Picking up my dad's old clarinet when I was a lil 5th grader

-Good grades when I was expecting failure

-Getting a paper sent to the author of the book it was about :)

-Spring Break!

-All State '08 and '09!

-Naked parties at Biscotti's (Naked in general...)

-Finding New Hope

-Having time to just go outside and walk around... Winter weather, please go away?

-Finding friends, losing touch with old ones... It's all for a reason.

-Realizing that no matter what, life is never as bad as you think

Here we go.

<3 

Resistance

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Put your hands up, they're playin our song! Butterflies fly away...Mopete loves Hannah Montana! This picture is hilarious because, for those of us that know him...in any other setting he's the strictest jerk ever!  I feel like, all throughout highschool, me and mopete had a love-hate relationship.  There were moments where he'd be totally fine, trying to make jokes and be "cool with the kids". But then in band, or when he got his administrative attitude.... We had a rollercoaster of a student-teacher friendship.  I do remember, towards the end of senior year, I had been upset about something and was going in to put my stuff away after practicing (which was rare..). But he noticed right away that I was upset and pulled me into his office to chat.  There were moments like that where he wasnt so bad. It was nice..  Now, whenever I see him he just gives me a big (yet professional) hug. What a strange guy.

Half of this semester is finally over!!! Hopefully this next half goes by fast, I dont mind being busy.  I'm honestly looking forward to Juries this semester...I feel prepared already. But that will probably change :)  Dr McCandless has had me working on staccato tonguing practically since the semester began. It is KILLING me! Or more my tongue. I honestly feel really lucky to have such a great teacher.. I never want to disappoint her, and it motivates me to practice. Which i should be doing right now, but I had a bad morning. Things that contributed to the bad morning include...

--Feeling torn

 I was recently told that people are noticing/commenting on how I spend a majority of my time...  It doesnt really bother me that anyone was talking about it, because it is true.  I just don't know what to do.  I know the obvious choice, if I want to keep my friends, but after spending so long doing one thing...it's not that easy. But it's gotta happen sometime right? So I've promised myself...I need to reorder my priorities. No matter how much I may not want to. If I want to succeed at the things I'm doing, this is required.  The downside of all of this happening is that every time I'm with him, around others, I can't help but think that they're judging.

--Money issues

I dont know about the rest of you, but I havent had a legit job since 8th grade.... Yeah, I know. Think whatever you want, but I was busy with many many things all through high school, and never had the motivation. I had no desire to bag crap at HyVee, or work at Fareway, or any of the other typical high schooler jobs.  So it's been a while.. But i need to find a job for the summer. And I have no idea where.. I love Target, so I could apply there. Or Starbucks! Or Riemans, but in all reality, I may have to just settle for something that's not that great. And work a lot.   A job is a job, right? Hopefully someone will be kind enough to overlook my lack of a job history and hire me.. I cant live off of pop can returns for the rest of my life, even if my family drank pop like it gave everlasting life.

--MUSIC CLASSES

This semester, as opposed to last semester, I am in Dr. Washut's theory classes. I knew going in that I would learn a lot more, and that it would be a lot more fun, but also that it would be a LOT of work.  All of that is true, but it's getting overwhelming.  I sit there in class with Abbey, while half the people in the row I'm sitting in are spitting out answers and pitches like they've been doing it since birth.  It makes me insanely jealous of their knowledge, and I want so badly to know everything they know. In Vallentine's class, you could get by with A's, even if you never did anything until the day before something.  I feel so incredibly behind in this class, even though I'm not even doing that badly. But it's what I consider to be bad. I guess I set the expectations a little high for myself.  So yeah, I have cried, during class and after class, on multiple occasions. Including today.  It's not necessarily something I would usually do in front of a lot of people (like i did today..) but it's getting out of my control, and I hate it. 

--Religiousness

I'm going to admit it... I havent been as close with my religion as I used to.  Having no car here, it's a bit hard to get to church at a time that works every weekend. But that's really no excuse for the whole thing...I dont know. I feel stupid even admitting it, because I'm not proud of it. But I realize that it happened.. Two weeks ago, when i was freaking out and praying like crazy for something, I realized that I cant just do that. Praying's not something you only do when you're desperate..It should be for everything.  The song I posted a link to in my last blog: Always, Forever really just kind of shoved it all back at me. So yeah. That's my jumbled religion thoughts.

Those things are kind of stressing me out the most, I guess. There's a lot of other things, but that's because I always worry about everything. I have realized that I'm lucky to have a lot of people who will hug me/talk me down/be there for me like today after AT...Thanks especially to Abbey, Madeline, Scott, Isaak, and Marian.  Somehow, even being obsessed with a single person this semester, and slightly antisocial last semester (for many reasons...haha), I've made a lot of new friends here. Things like that make me realize how much I shouldnt worry about things. 

Things that are delicious:

-Sweet Fiesta Starburst....Yum.

-Panchero's Burrito!

-Cheesy Potato soup

-Yumberry Pomegranate Lifewater

-Strawberry Shortcake gum

-Clarinet solos

-Grey's

-Coloring

-Historical Fiction

-Adele's voice

-Finding songs that bring you back to your religion

-SPRING!

-Skirt weather

Not delicious:

-French Dressing

-Bad ears for AT

-Not having been home in two months :(