Seal Lullaby

These last few weeks have been interesting...to say the least. One year with Jake, Thanksgiving break, concerts and tests and rehearsals and everything it seems. My academic expectations flipped the week before Thanksgiving, where my playing was getting pretty crappy and my actual schoolwork was going really REALLY well (aside from Theory, but that's a different story). My temper's been quick and explosive at a select few people, and I've had to rein my attitude in a little.

This year's brought some interesting things when it comes to relationships. Friends, parents, boyfriend, siblings, everything's flip-flopped. Internal difficulties in what I thought was a relatively solid group of friends leading to me earning a certain reputation towards someone else. But the thing is, if you don't understand why I may act like that, or say certain things to someone, you don't have any right to judge it. It's been a trial of sorts, but a good one for me to get through. I'm learning about my temper, how much I can handle and how much I need to grow. Being abruptly rude doesn't make me feel good. I'm not a bullying person...do I look like one?

Don't answer that. :P

This whole semester has been tough. Musically, academically, emotionally. Lots of things are different, lots are harder, and being away from home is getting pretty tough. Seeing my parents is a highlight whenever it happens. I'm lucky enough to have parents who'll come to see me at whatever concert or football game and not complain about the ridiculous amount of driving. I don't know how to explain it. Through my whole life we were kind of the definition of an emotionally detached family.. at least in my attention starved whiny teen brain we were. No "i love you's" or excessive hugs or any of that. Didn't really bother me too much i guess, since I can't really remember it being a problem.

But then you do this whole typical "thinking of everything they do for you" thing, and realize how great you've got it. I still have these dumb little episodes over this random memory from over ten years ago i'm sure... Family lunch day at elementary school, my mom brings me lunch and sits down to eat with me and I run away to play with my friend and her fireman dad with his firetruck. So dumb.

There's no way I could ever repay my parents for everything they've ever done for me. So I try, anyway. I'm here, at UNI, fully aware of the huge amount of their help in this. I study for tests, i practice my butt off, I do the best I can to help them. And we're closer than ever now.

So here we are in the last few weeks this semester. Crazy, right? It seems like only a few weeks ago I was practicing for the 2011 show and ISU, learning about dumb rocks and minerals and playing bass for literally every song in the Wind Symphony. The semester blew by. I can't say i'm sad about that, because I know next semester will be the best few months of my life. Possibly. Unless I just jinxed it.  Here's hoping the next few weeks, and all their tests, quizzes, rehearsals, juries and finals goes fast. *fingers crossed*

Need to Know How

I entered this week thinking everything was gonna be good. Marching band was switched around a few days, no huge tests or whatever, low stress. Then I get back all the tests from the last few weeks and of course everything just drops. Nothing went how I wanted it to, tests were not as I'd hoped and the different times for marching band are screwing with everything. 

Needless to say, I am not chill.

And to top it off, I can't stop thinking about "friends". Who they are, what I thought they were supposed to be, and what kind of one I should be.  Doesnt make much sense, I know. I dont know how else to say it, you know?

So let's get into this. Why did I start thinking about the whole friends definition? Twitter/Facebook feeds from my old close friends from high school. Tonight I'm finally recognizing that they aren't my best friends. Not anymore. And they probably never really were, to be honest.  Back in 9th/10th grade, I'd say was the last time I had legitimately best friends (aka people to talk boys with, cry with, yell with, do EVERYTHING with). I missed that.

But now I have it again. There are people who love me for no reason at all, and I can't understand why sometimes. They see me at my worst, when I cry in class or complain about something, whatever. And just by being around them I feel better. It's been a long time since I've had that a hundred percent of the time.
I'm just really lucky in that way. And I take it for granted, especially up here. Because I know when I go back home, the only people who I really care about seeing now are my parents and my dogs.

Ps if I'm being mopey/cheesey right now feel free to come up to me at some point and hit me. Softly. 

So I am taking this blog to say goodbye in a way. I'm saying goodbye to the label that I gave to people who don't deserve it. And I'm promising to those I care about now to be a better friend, and to care more. 

Enough of that. Time for me to be normal/not emo!
Things to look forward to:
-Black Dog with the Wind Symphony!
-A super mysterious hopefully amazing date I'm planning for tomorrow :)

-My three live baby fishes <3 

-Thanksgiving Break!

-Christmas

-Mumford & Sons (as in,  look forward to listening to it daily)

-ITALY 2012

-Being 2 decades old :P

-Lovely friends

-Amazing parents

Things will get better, for everyone. Nothing is permanent, unless you keep telling yourself it is.
Sorry I'm so verbally explosive..

Fighting Platies

I've been having a lot of trouble deciding whether or not I'm still into this whole thing. I mean, I can easily go write this in a notebook where no one will be able to read or know about it except me. You know, what people did before this whole social networking/stalking/internet business. But here I am. There's one person who I never really get to know anything about anymore, except for through the use of this thing, which is actually the biggest factor to not deleting it. Strange but true.

 Lots of things happen in life. In everyone's lives, not just specific few. So I'm not going to sit here and complain about how crappy my life is, because despite those few things that bring me down, there's a million good ones to equal them out. I wish so much that I could just be chill and consistently happy like a few of my friends here, because I don't like the attention bad moods bring. I'm at the point right now where I'm developing the social abilities to be comfortable around people I don't really know that well and it's really refreshing. Last night, I spent a few hours going random places with a group of people, most of whom I know, but not really. If that makes sense? but anyway, it was probably one of the better nights I've had this semester. That's the difference between sane people and those who go crazy with their friends, I think.  I'm one of those people who finds something annoying in almost everyone (being honest, I'm fully aware of how judgemental that is. If i told you i find myself annoying  would that make it  better? Ok.) but I realize how irrational that is too and get over it.

I dont know where I'm going with this. I just need to figure out what I can handle and who I want to be around for the rest of this experience, or I'm going to leave UNI in a few years, with a lot of regrets. I think. You can imagine the mess in my head, based on the collection of stupid thoughts in this blog post. I know how thrilling this was to read. My heart is fluttering right now as I write this :P

But i'm gonna watch my fish fight/flirt now. Happy thursday?

Well.

Lost in Translation

I get the feeling that everyone has these moments in their lives.
 They think about whether or not they're doing the right thing, involved in the right thing, with the right person. Whatever you want.  It's a serious enough moment to keep them up at night, or distract during the day, so every other thought you have is overpowering anything you should be thinking about.

What are you supposed to do? What if you're a coward, like me, and you don't have the strength to just...stop?
What then?

I'm not going to lie, my thoughts could be coming from a variety of things. A long, boring, stressful summer away from a majority of my friends. Things out of my control, like, for me, the impact my sister is making on my family. Relationship problems, school problems (And that hasnt even started yet...)

Sometimes I know what I should do, but then I can't do it. I know everyone's got problems, and sure everyone else's are probably ten times more important than mine. But even little problems can overwhelm someone. Sometimes.

But it's like we're our own Brat Pack..

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Yes, i am just like half of the girls in the world. I was a chubby child throughout the end of elementary/middle school, and i suppose i just haven't quite gotten over it... Media sucks right?

http://www.therocketsummer.com/

Free download of his acoustic/concert album.. Brings me back to the old days. :) I first started listening to The Rocket Summer back in highschool..sophomore year-ish. Do you ever have that moment where you hear a song that you listened to obsessively during a certain time-period, and the moment it starts playing you immediately are back in that time? 

Rocket Summer, All Time Low, Automatic Loveletter and A Fine Frenzy do that for me. Like i said, it was sophomore year.. Me, Kayla, Alyssa were dubbed "Freshmores" by a few upperclassmen (and still called it now, sometimes). It was a year of firsts for me. First live concert (The Rocket Summer/All Time Low :]), first boyfriend, first "heartbreak", first trip without parents. We were babies, and we were best friends, and we were all generally happy.  I just remember scary movies, Mick's pizza, cookie dough and hanging out with my best friends. I miss it. 

I would probably trade anything to get that friendship back.

But anyway, that was not the aim of this blog...not that this had an aim.  May is almost at an end, and it seems like it's been the LONGEST month in the world...I'm already not too thrilled with this 3.5 month summer break. It'd be better if i had a consistent job... (You know something's wrong when a girl is WANTING to be working every day). I'll just have to fill my days with practicing (if only it was less frustrating..), bike rides (without falling off and potentially breaking something), and entertaining children. And dogs. Hooray. 

There's not much happening in June..

-Visit on the 11th :)

-MICHAEL BUBLE WITH CARYN ON THE 23RD!!!!!!!!!

-Hopefully visit Abcde and Scott with Delin on the 24th!!

and aside from my minimal nannying, that's it.  

For now, i'll have to satisfy myself with ebay shopping and pokemon.

Yes, pokemon. I'm reliving the past :P

For Caryn

Day 17 - A picture of someone that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Enter generic picture of half of the UNI school of music.

I'm sitting here at 10:37 on a Monday night, chatting with Delin and Caryn on facebook and Jake on skype.
And i realize that I already REALLY miss everyone at UNI.  I miss my unnamed quartet, i miss Caryn, i miss Dr Washut, Dr McCandless, my studio, various ensembles, the Hub, and even the people I know but I dont know. The ones i have talked to a few times but usually just smile at when i walk by them. Having something to legitimately practice for. Having a little room to clean and call my own (half of it, anyway).  Spending nights WITH the people i like, not just electronically talking to them.

I miss all of it.  But not the point of being emo :) I cant wait til next Fall! It's gonna be magical.

This is what i've done while I've been home:

~Laid out

~Stumbled upon things

~Churchy church

~Grad Parties (woo...)

~Played with Lucille

~practiced...a bit..

~survived a rapture

~Laid out some more

~Transplanted my flowers

~Started a "wedding document" (Thanks to Kristen..)

Aka..... I've done NOTHING. It's been thrilling. I went to Mason city for a few days. We didnt do much because Jake is not a born event planner. I played Pokemon for the first time in MANY years.. (Yes, i play/like video games..sue me). We went outside a few times. I threw a Frisbee. It was a grand ole time in Mason City! Jk. Dont tell him that or he'll cry...

Tomorrow I go on a bike ride at 5am. Then to the wonderful orthodontist to whom I owe my mouth/soul.  Then to visit Randy Hoepker with K-Ray (he's letting me play the Eflat clarinet for a concert in a few weeks!!! Suck it MoPete! ((jk again!!!)), then girls night of some sort, then my summer job begins.  I'm babysitting some children that I'm related to for a few days, then nannying some other children I have no relation to. The good thing is, these children are all active/outdoorsy so I'll be getting a workout (however much you can get with small children, me being 5'10" and all) as well as more of a tan.  I'll be doing that sort of thing throughout the summer, not daily though. So not fabulous money, but enough i guess. It'll be my first job since good old Illahee hills, back in the day..

Well that's pretty much all that's been going on in my life recently. It's only been 2/3ish weeks since school got out, but it feels like it's been a lifetime. I can only hope it starts to go by quickly. No offense, Urbandale..

I'll probably post again sometime in my lifetime. Only if my baby dog is having puppies.

(disclaimer - She's not literally a baby. A baby having babies would be weird)

Kbye.