Seal Lullaby

These last few weeks have been interesting...to say the least. One year with Jake, Thanksgiving break, concerts and tests and rehearsals and everything it seems. My academic expectations flipped the week before Thanksgiving, where my playing was getting pretty crappy and my actual schoolwork was going really REALLY well (aside from Theory, but that's a different story). My temper's been quick and explosive at a select few people, and I've had to rein my attitude in a little.

This year's brought some interesting things when it comes to relationships. Friends, parents, boyfriend, siblings, everything's flip-flopped. Internal difficulties in what I thought was a relatively solid group of friends leading to me earning a certain reputation towards someone else. But the thing is, if you don't understand why I may act like that, or say certain things to someone, you don't have any right to judge it. It's been a trial of sorts, but a good one for me to get through. I'm learning about my temper, how much I can handle and how much I need to grow. Being abruptly rude doesn't make me feel good. I'm not a bullying person...do I look like one?

Don't answer that. :P

This whole semester has been tough. Musically, academically, emotionally. Lots of things are different, lots are harder, and being away from home is getting pretty tough. Seeing my parents is a highlight whenever it happens. I'm lucky enough to have parents who'll come to see me at whatever concert or football game and not complain about the ridiculous amount of driving. I don't know how to explain it. Through my whole life we were kind of the definition of an emotionally detached family.. at least in my attention starved whiny teen brain we were. No "i love you's" or excessive hugs or any of that. Didn't really bother me too much i guess, since I can't really remember it being a problem.

But then you do this whole typical "thinking of everything they do for you" thing, and realize how great you've got it. I still have these dumb little episodes over this random memory from over ten years ago i'm sure... Family lunch day at elementary school, my mom brings me lunch and sits down to eat with me and I run away to play with my friend and her fireman dad with his firetruck. So dumb.

There's no way I could ever repay my parents for everything they've ever done for me. So I try, anyway. I'm here, at UNI, fully aware of the huge amount of their help in this. I study for tests, i practice my butt off, I do the best I can to help them. And we're closer than ever now.

So here we are in the last few weeks this semester. Crazy, right? It seems like only a few weeks ago I was practicing for the 2011 show and ISU, learning about dumb rocks and minerals and playing bass for literally every song in the Wind Symphony. The semester blew by. I can't say i'm sad about that, because I know next semester will be the best few months of my life. Possibly. Unless I just jinxed it.  Here's hoping the next few weeks, and all their tests, quizzes, rehearsals, juries and finals goes fast. *fingers crossed*

Need to Know How

I entered this week thinking everything was gonna be good. Marching band was switched around a few days, no huge tests or whatever, low stress. Then I get back all the tests from the last few weeks and of course everything just drops. Nothing went how I wanted it to, tests were not as I'd hoped and the different times for marching band are screwing with everything. 

Needless to say, I am not chill.

And to top it off, I can't stop thinking about "friends". Who they are, what I thought they were supposed to be, and what kind of one I should be.  Doesnt make much sense, I know. I dont know how else to say it, you know?

So let's get into this. Why did I start thinking about the whole friends definition? Twitter/Facebook feeds from my old close friends from high school. Tonight I'm finally recognizing that they aren't my best friends. Not anymore. And they probably never really were, to be honest.  Back in 9th/10th grade, I'd say was the last time I had legitimately best friends (aka people to talk boys with, cry with, yell with, do EVERYTHING with). I missed that.

But now I have it again. There are people who love me for no reason at all, and I can't understand why sometimes. They see me at my worst, when I cry in class or complain about something, whatever. And just by being around them I feel better. It's been a long time since I've had that a hundred percent of the time.
I'm just really lucky in that way. And I take it for granted, especially up here. Because I know when I go back home, the only people who I really care about seeing now are my parents and my dogs.

Ps if I'm being mopey/cheesey right now feel free to come up to me at some point and hit me. Softly. 

So I am taking this blog to say goodbye in a way. I'm saying goodbye to the label that I gave to people who don't deserve it. And I'm promising to those I care about now to be a better friend, and to care more. 

Enough of that. Time for me to be normal/not emo!
Things to look forward to:
-Black Dog with the Wind Symphony!
-A super mysterious hopefully amazing date I'm planning for tomorrow :)

-My three live baby fishes <3 

-Thanksgiving Break!

-Christmas

-Mumford & Sons (as in,  look forward to listening to it daily)

-ITALY 2012

-Being 2 decades old :P

-Lovely friends

-Amazing parents

Things will get better, for everyone. Nothing is permanent, unless you keep telling yourself it is.
Sorry I'm so verbally explosive..

Fighting Platies

I've been having a lot of trouble deciding whether or not I'm still into this whole thing. I mean, I can easily go write this in a notebook where no one will be able to read or know about it except me. You know, what people did before this whole social networking/stalking/internet business. But here I am. There's one person who I never really get to know anything about anymore, except for through the use of this thing, which is actually the biggest factor to not deleting it. Strange but true.

 Lots of things happen in life. In everyone's lives, not just specific few. So I'm not going to sit here and complain about how crappy my life is, because despite those few things that bring me down, there's a million good ones to equal them out. I wish so much that I could just be chill and consistently happy like a few of my friends here, because I don't like the attention bad moods bring. I'm at the point right now where I'm developing the social abilities to be comfortable around people I don't really know that well and it's really refreshing. Last night, I spent a few hours going random places with a group of people, most of whom I know, but not really. If that makes sense? but anyway, it was probably one of the better nights I've had this semester. That's the difference between sane people and those who go crazy with their friends, I think.  I'm one of those people who finds something annoying in almost everyone (being honest, I'm fully aware of how judgemental that is. If i told you i find myself annoying  would that make it  better? Ok.) but I realize how irrational that is too and get over it.

I dont know where I'm going with this. I just need to figure out what I can handle and who I want to be around for the rest of this experience, or I'm going to leave UNI in a few years, with a lot of regrets. I think. You can imagine the mess in my head, based on the collection of stupid thoughts in this blog post. I know how thrilling this was to read. My heart is fluttering right now as I write this :P

But i'm gonna watch my fish fight/flirt now. Happy thursday?

Well.

Lost in Translation

I get the feeling that everyone has these moments in their lives.
 They think about whether or not they're doing the right thing, involved in the right thing, with the right person. Whatever you want.  It's a serious enough moment to keep them up at night, or distract during the day, so every other thought you have is overpowering anything you should be thinking about.

What are you supposed to do? What if you're a coward, like me, and you don't have the strength to just...stop?
What then?

I'm not going to lie, my thoughts could be coming from a variety of things. A long, boring, stressful summer away from a majority of my friends. Things out of my control, like, for me, the impact my sister is making on my family. Relationship problems, school problems (And that hasnt even started yet...)

Sometimes I know what I should do, but then I can't do it. I know everyone's got problems, and sure everyone else's are probably ten times more important than mine. But even little problems can overwhelm someone. Sometimes.

But it's like we're our own Brat Pack..

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Yes, i am just like half of the girls in the world. I was a chubby child throughout the end of elementary/middle school, and i suppose i just haven't quite gotten over it... Media sucks right?

http://www.therocketsummer.com/

Free download of his acoustic/concert album.. Brings me back to the old days. :) I first started listening to The Rocket Summer back in highschool..sophomore year-ish. Do you ever have that moment where you hear a song that you listened to obsessively during a certain time-period, and the moment it starts playing you immediately are back in that time? 

Rocket Summer, All Time Low, Automatic Loveletter and A Fine Frenzy do that for me. Like i said, it was sophomore year.. Me, Kayla, Alyssa were dubbed "Freshmores" by a few upperclassmen (and still called it now, sometimes). It was a year of firsts for me. First live concert (The Rocket Summer/All Time Low :]), first boyfriend, first "heartbreak", first trip without parents. We were babies, and we were best friends, and we were all generally happy.  I just remember scary movies, Mick's pizza, cookie dough and hanging out with my best friends. I miss it. 

I would probably trade anything to get that friendship back.

But anyway, that was not the aim of this blog...not that this had an aim.  May is almost at an end, and it seems like it's been the LONGEST month in the world...I'm already not too thrilled with this 3.5 month summer break. It'd be better if i had a consistent job... (You know something's wrong when a girl is WANTING to be working every day). I'll just have to fill my days with practicing (if only it was less frustrating..), bike rides (without falling off and potentially breaking something), and entertaining children. And dogs. Hooray. 

There's not much happening in June..

-Visit on the 11th :)

-MICHAEL BUBLE WITH CARYN ON THE 23RD!!!!!!!!!

-Hopefully visit Abcde and Scott with Delin on the 24th!!

and aside from my minimal nannying, that's it.  

For now, i'll have to satisfy myself with ebay shopping and pokemon.

Yes, pokemon. I'm reliving the past :P

For Caryn

Day 17 - A picture of someone that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Enter generic picture of half of the UNI school of music.

I'm sitting here at 10:37 on a Monday night, chatting with Delin and Caryn on facebook and Jake on skype.
And i realize that I already REALLY miss everyone at UNI.  I miss my unnamed quartet, i miss Caryn, i miss Dr Washut, Dr McCandless, my studio, various ensembles, the Hub, and even the people I know but I dont know. The ones i have talked to a few times but usually just smile at when i walk by them. Having something to legitimately practice for. Having a little room to clean and call my own (half of it, anyway).  Spending nights WITH the people i like, not just electronically talking to them.

I miss all of it.  But not the point of being emo :) I cant wait til next Fall! It's gonna be magical.

This is what i've done while I've been home:

~Laid out

~Stumbled upon things

~Churchy church

~Grad Parties (woo...)

~Played with Lucille

~practiced...a bit..

~survived a rapture

~Laid out some more

~Transplanted my flowers

~Started a "wedding document" (Thanks to Kristen..)

Aka..... I've done NOTHING. It's been thrilling. I went to Mason city for a few days. We didnt do much because Jake is not a born event planner. I played Pokemon for the first time in MANY years.. (Yes, i play/like video games..sue me). We went outside a few times. I threw a Frisbee. It was a grand ole time in Mason City! Jk. Dont tell him that or he'll cry...

Tomorrow I go on a bike ride at 5am. Then to the wonderful orthodontist to whom I owe my mouth/soul.  Then to visit Randy Hoepker with K-Ray (he's letting me play the Eflat clarinet for a concert in a few weeks!!! Suck it MoPete! ((jk again!!!)), then girls night of some sort, then my summer job begins.  I'm babysitting some children that I'm related to for a few days, then nannying some other children I have no relation to. The good thing is, these children are all active/outdoorsy so I'll be getting a workout (however much you can get with small children, me being 5'10" and all) as well as more of a tan.  I'll be doing that sort of thing throughout the summer, not daily though. So not fabulous money, but enough i guess. It'll be my first job since good old Illahee hills, back in the day..

Well that's pretty much all that's been going on in my life recently. It's only been 2/3ish weeks since school got out, but it feels like it's been a lifetime. I can only hope it starts to go by quickly. No offense, Urbandale..

I'll probably post again sometime in my lifetime. Only if my baby dog is having puppies.

(disclaimer - She's not literally a baby. A baby having babies would be weird)

Kbye.

Clarinet love.

Day 16: A picture of someone who inspires you

Time for me being cheesy. I've taken lessons with her for one school year, and Dr McCandless is AMAZING. I've never met anyone who inspired me more.  I may not be one of her students that she focuses on the most, seeing as I'm not performance major, and far from one of the talented ones, but every lesson I've had with her led to me learning an incredible amount.  I never WANTED to practice in high school, but here I do want to.  Her talent with the clarinet is an inspiration, as well as her passion for teaching all of us.  She's told me so many times that she loves teaching our studio, and that she looks forward to it (almost) every day. If I ever get half of her talent, I'll be good to go. 

Today is the last official day of my first year of college! WEIRD. I'm sooo ready to get back to Urbandale (to my puppiieees :]), but I'm sure I'll miss UNI at some point.  Right now, I'm convinced I wont, but that's because I'm stressed from finals and slightly sad about a few things. After a few weeks I'll be wanting to come back. 

I already have a job i guess, which is new for me. I'm gonna be a nanny.. :P big money, i know. But I dont plan on keeping it anyway, so it's fine.  Practicing my butt off to get to Italy is also another of my plans. I will cry if I dont get in wind symphony. Crying is not a big deal these days, I'm all too used to it.  But basically..I plan on spending some time doing new things this summer, not just sitting on my butt watching greys like last summer.. I dont want to sit and wait for people to contact me this summer. 

I will miss people though...contrary to what some may believe, I'm not only going to miss my boyfriend. God forbid I hang out with someone who I know likes me most of the time. (yes, most of the time.) These 5 months of the past year have been rough for a lot of reasons, one of which is the fact that I may not have hung out with friends as much as they would've liked. There are a lot of reasons why, most of them being that I dont exactly like what my friends choose to do some nights. And I have every capability of saying no, I know that. But it's complicated. I feel like I'm not as into the friends part of college as I was at one point, and I know i'm not using my time as well as I should all of the time, and it sucks. But I also know that it can be fixed, and I can come back from this. I've had the best 5 months of my life, despite all the times i've been upset about something, all the bad grades in music classes, all the friends I may not be as close to. Next year will be a new start, and I'll know how to handle things better. This year was amazing, but next year will be even better. New roommate, new classes, new year. 

Finals Overview:

Mucho A's. Or like, 3. I dont know though, I'm not concerned with those...

I got a B- in Aural Training!!! I think it's a miracle. Or Dr Washut taking pity on me.

A on Sight Singing!!

Who knows on Theory..Keyboard component is probz an F.

Math:??? DONT CARE.

Jury: A-! Hoorah. :)

Only ones left? Piano and Lit. 

Bring it, Dr Guy.

Midnight Truffle

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

The first thing that popped into my head when i read this.

For some reason, I really want to skydive.  I can barely jump off a diving board onto a blob (GENEVA), so I have no idea how i'll work up to this.... and i'm sure my mother is having a heart attack right now.  But maybe someday.

So...Two weeks before summer. I'm not sure if anyone could be more excited than me... I am SO freakin ready to get out of here! And not just because there was a freak snow storm up here this past week...wtf Iowa. I'm tired of this schedule I'm in. I rarely have convenient times to practice, which sometimes leads to me not practicing, leading to my face hurting next time i do, etc... But I just need something new to do. New places to go, and time to actually relax. Without having anyone to hang out with, anywhere to be, and anything to have prepared by a certain time.

Don't get me wrong. I'll be practicing my butt off this summer, because I am absolutely desperate to get into Wind Symphony.  Lord knows I'm going to have enough time... Kristen is leaving for the ENTIRE summer, so no Star Trek parties :( I hate to say it, but there's really not that many people I hang out with at home anymore. Not to mention everyone will be doing job things, and planning for college, etc. Summer will be interesting. And probably will be from here on out, for many reasons.


I'm home! I came home this weekend because:
A) I love Easter!!!!!
B) I need a break from school, and everything with it
C) My body hates me.


So here I am, watching Prince of Persia with mi madre, watching a cardinal keep flying back to the bird feeder outside the living room window, and blogging about nothing. And recovering from getting my 4 months-and-going wisdom tooth problem taken care of. I love laughing gas...so so much.  I wondered today, in my laughing gas induced state...What would happen if we shot bombs of laughing gas all over the world? I would get a huge kick out of that. :D


It's been a while since I last wrote anything... Not much has happened. Finals are coming closer and closer, everyone is getting more stressed, practice rooms are filled at every moment, and students of Dr Washut are crying more frequently. 
Ok, maybe that's just me. 
I also had a birthday! I am now the hugely unimportant age of 19. WOOOO. I got a PILLOW PET and Sims3 from my parents, among various other things that I hugely appreciate (such as a large cake...bloohgohggo). Hearing "Happy birthday!" so many times throughout the day (as well as seeing it on facebook) was entertaining. And it made me very, very happy. It made me realize how blessed I am to know so many amazing people, and for getting to know all the new and fantastically talented people up in Cedar Falls. I can't wait to spend the next few years with all of them. :)


Enough verbal ADHD. I have no central focus to this point, i just wanted to get a lot of stuff out. Time to go make a new Sims family :)

Best. Mood. EVER.

Day 14: A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

A dog counts as "Someone" right? In my world it does.

This is Lucy. I love her, and I know she loves me.  She shows me what unconditional love is. 

If you think that's stupid, you probably dont own a dog.

Fun Fact: There are certain personalities I can't handle for more than a few hours a day.

Even more fun: The time limit gets shorter as I get more irritated.

I've met very few people that I can handle being around for extended periods of time..I realize that most of that is probably my fault, but I'm pretty sure other people are like this too. I don't do pity parties, or talking about a single topic (or person) day after day, gossip makes me feel like a terrible person, and constant cussing is kind of overkill. 

I dont really like the idea of someone being sad because of something i did, or mad because i said something, so the fact that i get tired of being around people sometimes is not really known. (until now, if you're reading this.)

So, I'm sorry in advance. And I'm sorry for the people who already have to deal with it. I try not to let it show, but sometimes I cant help it.

On a side note...I'm almost 19. I think, compared to most people I've been around recently anyway, I get more enjoyment out of things like birthdays, or Easter, or the dumb little things that bring back old memories. I can't explain it, and I dont care that it may make me seem a little childish sometimes... I dont really see anything wrong with it! :P
Because right now, I've got:
 a red Gerber daisy in a vase thanks to some amazing friends I miss a lot.
A pillow pet sitting on my bed, bein cute.
Sims 3 downloading in my computer AS I TYPE THIS.
A new (used) bike for ragbrai this summer
Cake sitting on the corner of my desk
A big dumb smile on my face because of everything that's happened today
Best. Mood. Ever.

I have the best parents, the best friends, the best boyfriend, and the best support system in the world.  In MY world. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Except better grades in Sight Singing and Aural Training...but that's getting back to reality.
Time for Sims :]

You'll be in My Heart

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

I dont have a favorite band or artist! I like listening to a lot of different music, but i cant listen to a specific person or band consistently. I get tired of it! Favorites right now would be Adele, Muse, Ingrid Michaelson, Jimmy Eat World (a little), and Disney music. I like listening to things that have a variety of chord changes/CREATIVITY, so Jbiebz/rap/current music is not allowed. Otherwise, everything's fine.

Like I've said before, I cant deal with conflicts. Of any kind. Luckily, this past week has been full of them! A few were personal things not worthy of telling to the mass public, but one big one, involving the one and only robin guy...oh man. That's worth describing, i'd say.  So...I am one of the select few who gets to enjoy two days a week of Dr Guy. She's supposed to teach us piano, in a slightly more advanced way, but recently she's been doing crazy things like being anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes late, and even forgetting us entirely. Not to mention that we're about a month behind other piano classes in technique. So this last wednesday, we were all sitting outside our classroom, waiting...12pm comes, then 12:10, then 12:15... Just to check, we called her office.

SHE PICKED UP.

A few people stormed the fortress, and it turns out she's forgotten about us. Not the first time, either. Close to the end of our impromptu class, she's telling us how it's unacceptable that "none" of us are listening to her, and Vinny (Bless his untimely heart) raised his hand and told her it's unacceptable that she forgets about us and is consistently late.  So basically, she broke into a rampage, telling us how she's the busiest person in the school of music, it's not her fault she cant say no to anyone who wants her to accompany them (except it is..?) and that she is 57 and deserves a break. I stared down my piano book through this entire thing.  I admit, I'm a coward. 

So tomorrow's our next class. I'm terrified. 

On the other hand, I got little plants from Targhetto last weekend, and they're already growing! I got little baby sunflowers, zinnias, and coneflowers. Here's the count...

Zinnia: 4 babies

Sunflower: 2 BIG babies

Coneflower (Teemo): 1 new baby (as of this morning!!!)

Needless to say, i now have a new pail with daisies growing in them, and two new things to transfer my little flowers into. 

I love plants :) :) 

This past week was a bit crazy...but i have a feeling the next 5 weeks are going to be crazy as well. In the next 3 weeks alone, i have 11 recital/concerts to go to, as well as a birthday, and sanity to try and maintain. Just to prepare, i bought a fuzzy poster thing to color, as well as a random ladybug to paint. The Target dollar section is Godsent...and yes, maybe I am still a kid at heart. Problem?

For anyone who loves Disney like me :)

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2cIIc7/8tracks.com/thefleishman/judgement-free-zone-cough-disney

Heartache Tonight..

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

I miss everything about her. All the time.

It just hit me.

Twisty

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

I couldnt think of anything else I dislike more. Tornadoes scare me to death! Ever since watching Twister...which I'm still not totally comfortable watching, even now. And here we are, coming into prime tornado season...Great.  Let's see how many dreams of tornadoes I get this time.

Today is not a deep day.

It's dark, cold and misting outside.

There's a funeral,

For someone i didnt know well, until a few weeks ago.

Life can be short, and that's scary. 

Rest in Peace, Anna. 

Catch a Grenade

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

Oh hey! BT+MT+LT4EVR.

The lovely ladies of the unnamed quartet.  Dr McCandless had NO idea what she was getting herself into when she put us together...and neither did we! I love being around these guys.  Singing "soul" songs on walks from the GBPAC to Russell, theory victories (and upsets..), pep band and much more.  And somehow, we were all only mere feet away from each other during all state. Irony?  These girls are crazy, and I am so lucky to have them in my life. And my quartet :) Asian Drinking Song, anyone?

So here I am... sitting in the middle of Spring break. A week I've been looking forward to since the beginning of the semester. Not because I'm going somewhere warm and getting schwasted like half of the world, but because I wouldn't have something to do every. single. moment. of the day.  

And I get to this week, to my house.

And I'm absolutely bored. 

Don't get me wrong, it's not my family that's boring me. That's not the case at all. Sure my lil Tivo doesn't ever talk to me, and my parents both work all day. But i love being here anyway, and I honestly feel bad leaving them to hang out with friends. Or a boy. 

Not having anything to do....sucks. I haven't even taken Lucy on a walk.. She probably thinks I hate her. 

Oh God...I'm going to play with her all day tomorrow now. 

Anyway! My room has been invaded by a large Elliptical machine (which is now acting as a towel dryer), my stuff is all semi packed for when I leave Thursday, and this new guilt for not having played with my best dog friend is invading my heart.  And all I think of as I sit here is that I'm a terrible person, and a terrible music student. And I would go pick up my clarinet and practice, I would go hang out with Lucy and walk with her, but it's 10:15 at night. 

Maybe I'll go anyway. Who knows.

I've hung out with the people I've always hung out with since I've been here. It's almost like old times. Everyone's telling stories, laughing loud enough in a restaurant to make people give looks, reminiscing on choir, band, awkward children. Except it feels like everyone's holding something back.  Some aspect of their stories, something someone did or said at everyone's respective college. I know I held back. All of us have new people to introduce in stories, new things to explain and new adventures to tell about. It gets strange. Knowing that these people, whose lives you were previously so involved in, are different, have different friends, and are ultimately going separate ways. It happens, right? I don't want it to. But I think it's happening anyway. At least, if not for them, it is between ME and them. And I don't know why. 

I used to be able to tell them everything..Now I don't tell anyone.

Being home is good. I missed my family. I missed my dogs and cats. It still feels normal to me, and it feels like I shouldn't go back to CF. There's a lot of comfort in being here, even when everything and everyone has changed. 

Oh Hey

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Mi madre.  I'm her little clone, according to everyone who knows her that I've ever met, but that's beside the point.  I love my moooom.  She's a nurse, so she's always been super caring and relaxed.  I've rarely seen her yell or get upset, and when she does....it's nothing to be scared of! Being mean is not possible for her, and I love it.  Not because I'm a terrible child and take advantage or anything (at least, I dont think so). I'm pretty lucky to have the set of parents that I have. :) 

Hmm..What to ramble about. Family has been on my mind a lot lately, and I'm not sure exactly why. Probably because I'm about to see them for the first time in almost 3 months...No big deal. And I've done some creeping on various people that have been involved with my family recently as well. Again, I don't know why. For instance, today I looked up one of my sister's exes who was....let's go with less charming than the others. A little sketchy, from the very beginning. At least, that's what my dad says! Anyway, I don't blame Niki for any of it... She's one of those people who can't help but want to take care of people. Break through her seemingly tough shell, and she's very caring. And very strange (in a good way). So my point, as I'm rambling, is that this guy turned out to be completely different than any of us thought, and did nothing but hurt people and twist words. Ending him in jail, and Niki basically restarting her life. It was a lot of pain for my family, but somehow we got through. Sure, my dad gets mad at Niki sometimes still, but I know now that it's absolutely only because he cares. He's a big softy, it just takes some time..  I don't know. I may get some disapproving comments for even posting this vague description of my family's inner drama, but it's something I still haven't completely dealt with, in my mind.  So i guess this is me, trying to work things through.  One thing I'm glad for is that somehow, it brought me and my sister closer.  Good things happen through all the bad things, right?

To make up for my last post being very long, and very rambly, I will end with a list of good things that have happened...

-Picking up my dad's old clarinet when I was a lil 5th grader

-Good grades when I was expecting failure

-Getting a paper sent to the author of the book it was about :)

-Spring Break!

-All State '08 and '09!

-Naked parties at Biscotti's (Naked in general...)

-Finding New Hope

-Having time to just go outside and walk around... Winter weather, please go away?

-Finding friends, losing touch with old ones... It's all for a reason.

-Realizing that no matter what, life is never as bad as you think

Here we go.

<3 

Resistance

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Put your hands up, they're playin our song! Butterflies fly away...Mopete loves Hannah Montana! This picture is hilarious because, for those of us that know him...in any other setting he's the strictest jerk ever!  I feel like, all throughout highschool, me and mopete had a love-hate relationship.  There were moments where he'd be totally fine, trying to make jokes and be "cool with the kids". But then in band, or when he got his administrative attitude.... We had a rollercoaster of a student-teacher friendship.  I do remember, towards the end of senior year, I had been upset about something and was going in to put my stuff away after practicing (which was rare..). But he noticed right away that I was upset and pulled me into his office to chat.  There were moments like that where he wasnt so bad. It was nice..  Now, whenever I see him he just gives me a big (yet professional) hug. What a strange guy.

Half of this semester is finally over!!! Hopefully this next half goes by fast, I dont mind being busy.  I'm honestly looking forward to Juries this semester...I feel prepared already. But that will probably change :)  Dr McCandless has had me working on staccato tonguing practically since the semester began. It is KILLING me! Or more my tongue. I honestly feel really lucky to have such a great teacher.. I never want to disappoint her, and it motivates me to practice. Which i should be doing right now, but I had a bad morning. Things that contributed to the bad morning include...

--Feeling torn

 I was recently told that people are noticing/commenting on how I spend a majority of my time...  It doesnt really bother me that anyone was talking about it, because it is true.  I just don't know what to do.  I know the obvious choice, if I want to keep my friends, but after spending so long doing one thing...it's not that easy. But it's gotta happen sometime right? So I've promised myself...I need to reorder my priorities. No matter how much I may not want to. If I want to succeed at the things I'm doing, this is required.  The downside of all of this happening is that every time I'm with him, around others, I can't help but think that they're judging.

--Money issues

I dont know about the rest of you, but I havent had a legit job since 8th grade.... Yeah, I know. Think whatever you want, but I was busy with many many things all through high school, and never had the motivation. I had no desire to bag crap at HyVee, or work at Fareway, or any of the other typical high schooler jobs.  So it's been a while.. But i need to find a job for the summer. And I have no idea where.. I love Target, so I could apply there. Or Starbucks! Or Riemans, but in all reality, I may have to just settle for something that's not that great. And work a lot.   A job is a job, right? Hopefully someone will be kind enough to overlook my lack of a job history and hire me.. I cant live off of pop can returns for the rest of my life, even if my family drank pop like it gave everlasting life.

--MUSIC CLASSES

This semester, as opposed to last semester, I am in Dr. Washut's theory classes. I knew going in that I would learn a lot more, and that it would be a lot more fun, but also that it would be a LOT of work.  All of that is true, but it's getting overwhelming.  I sit there in class with Abbey, while half the people in the row I'm sitting in are spitting out answers and pitches like they've been doing it since birth.  It makes me insanely jealous of their knowledge, and I want so badly to know everything they know. In Vallentine's class, you could get by with A's, even if you never did anything until the day before something.  I feel so incredibly behind in this class, even though I'm not even doing that badly. But it's what I consider to be bad. I guess I set the expectations a little high for myself.  So yeah, I have cried, during class and after class, on multiple occasions. Including today.  It's not necessarily something I would usually do in front of a lot of people (like i did today..) but it's getting out of my control, and I hate it. 

--Religiousness

I'm going to admit it... I havent been as close with my religion as I used to.  Having no car here, it's a bit hard to get to church at a time that works every weekend. But that's really no excuse for the whole thing...I dont know. I feel stupid even admitting it, because I'm not proud of it. But I realize that it happened.. Two weeks ago, when i was freaking out and praying like crazy for something, I realized that I cant just do that. Praying's not something you only do when you're desperate..It should be for everything.  The song I posted a link to in my last blog: Always, Forever really just kind of shoved it all back at me. So yeah. That's my jumbled religion thoughts.

Those things are kind of stressing me out the most, I guess. There's a lot of other things, but that's because I always worry about everything. I have realized that I'm lucky to have a lot of people who will hug me/talk me down/be there for me like today after AT...Thanks especially to Abbey, Madeline, Scott, Isaak, and Marian.  Somehow, even being obsessed with a single person this semester, and slightly antisocial last semester (for many reasons...haha), I've made a lot of new friends here. Things like that make me realize how much I shouldnt worry about things. 

Things that are delicious:

-Sweet Fiesta Starburst....Yum.

-Panchero's Burrito!

-Cheesy Potato soup

-Yumberry Pomegranate Lifewater

-Strawberry Shortcake gum

-Clarinet solos

-Grey's

-Coloring

-Historical Fiction

-Adele's voice

-Finding songs that bring you back to your religion

-SPRING!

-Skirt weather

Not delicious:

-French Dressing

-Bad ears for AT

-Not having been home in two months :(

Always, Forever

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

My clarinet. And music. As much as I may complain about it sometimes, it's my life.

Speaking of my life, this past tuesday we had a masterclass with Suzanne Tirk from Wichita.  She didnt look like a typical professor, she's pretty tiny and energetic. Almost bubbly?  Rachel, Emma, Me, Dana and Abbey played for her and she had a lot of really good tips for us. Everyone else got embouchure tips, breathing, all the usual things for a masterclass....


I got in the saddle. 
First of all, she made me squat as I played, to straighten my back out.  Needless to say, the studio got a pretty big kick out of that, and I could hardly play because I was laughing (thanks Delin+Abbey!)  And then various squatting/playing techniques and stretches that she made the whole studio do.  Because my posture is apparently terrible...which I actually am aware of. She said it was probably because of my height, that I feel like I have to kind of hunch over to blend in better. I've never really thought about that.  I've always pretty much loved being this tall, and never felt the need to blend in. But then again I don't have many close friends who are as tall or taller than me, so I guess I could be shrinking a bit.. Maybe this means i need to start embracing my height in new ways...like high heels? ;)


I'm glad my Intro to Lit professor's a huge egotistical jerk. He wastes two weeks on electronic literature, and then got mad at me when i told him i couldnt go to some play he's requiring us to go to because i have a tournament. Excuse me..I wasnt aware my life should be planned around a liberal arts core class. Anger done.


On the bright side, I just got a B on my sight singing quiz! It's not the greatest...I honestly felt like I did worse than a B, but i'm not complaining!  Dr Washut kind of scares me...just when it comes to sight singing usually. I dont know why, he seems fine..but I get so nervous!  Then again i get nervous about everything. It's whatever..Hopefully I'll get over it sometime this semester.


Apparently, at UHS, there's been some drama going around in the band...more than usual anyway. I dont know any details, and I dont really know if I even want to. I have few good friends left there, so it really isnt any of my concern i guess. But the fact that the band is the central point of all of this (probably stupid) drama is ridiculous. Not giving a good name to band kids, at all. I guess people need to get out their ridiculous melodramatic sides out somewhere before college though. At least, let's hope they get it out. 


Speaking of high school band, Tallcorn was last weekend! Lil Urbandale Jazz kids came up as usual. I couldnt help but reflect on Tallcorns in the past few years...
~TPing Papa Schmitt's door!
~Pass the Pigs!
~Oattttttttttzzzzzzzz
~Winning 3rd place last year!
~Just hanging out at the hotel Thursday night after clinics
~Getting to know Kristen better!
~Curled hair
~Jazz dos and the Red Ties
~Hanging out with all the awesome people in the jazz bands
~Can I get...? At Coldstone!


Tallcorn was hands down the best band trip we ever went on, after Hawaii.  Every year it was a ton of fun, no matter how frustrating rehearsals had been up to that point.  Every time we walked off the stage after performing, we felt good about it.  Luckily, Kellar's jazz band was just as good as I expected it to be. They may not have placed, but they were great. Nothing to be disappointed with. :)


So for the rest of today, life is pretty packed.  Clarinet ensemble with Dr Johnson, seminar, quartet, quartet bonding at Bdubs, and an Orchestra concert? Sounds good to me. Macgamut time?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMG6PXbsXsc
Blast from the past. This guy is an amazing singer, and so passionate about it. I know the video is off with the music, but...still. Watch some, watch none. Doesnt matter to me. It's my song of the week.


Bye!